The Finite Times

Stung by criticism from Mexican President Vicente Fox and members of Congress over his plans to send 6000 National Guard troops to the Mexican/US border, President Bush yesterday sought to define exactly how narrow their role would be.

“They’re just gonna be clearing brush so we can build that big honkin’ fence,” the President told a wildly-cheering hand-picked crowd outside a Home Depot gardening center in Yuma. It was the President’s second trip to Yuma in as many weeks.

“There’s no militarizationing here. We’re talkin’ Mexican pinyon, Apache pine, Mohave, uh, ragweed. Comprende, omegas? They won’t be here to shoot at those illegal immigrates,” President Bush said before leading his weed wacker-wielding minions out behind the Home Depot to launch Operation Brush-B-Gone.

See the whole article at CAP News:

http://www.crystalair.com/content.php?id=37200605021

Further signs of a White House spiraling out of control were evident yesterday at a routine photo-op held at Bob’s Troop-Supportin’ Service Station in Rockville, Md. The topic was intended to be the looming gasoline crisis, in particular the CAFE (corporate average fuel economy) standards that dictate vehicle gas mileage.

President Bush showed up in an apron.

“Now, cafe workers, they work hard. They have standards, and these cafe standards, I want to extend them to the gas industry, the fine men and women who service us, who pump us, who run these, uh, gas machine things,” President Bush said, waving a spatula for emphasis as a half-dozen aides frantically tried to get his attention.

See the whole article at CAP News:

http://www.crystalair.com/content.php?id=64200605010

Willie Nelson is denying that he did anything illegal when his tour bus was pulled over in Lafayette, Louisiana on Monday and all its occupants were cited for drug possession.

On the contrary, he was undercover.

“By order of the chief executive of this great country of ours, I’m probing Homeland Security and making sure the Taliban ain’t selling no weed here, man,” Nelson told CAP counter-culture correspondent Sky Rainspout. “These fellahs in Louisiana passed with flying colors.”

See the whole article at CAP News:

http://www.crystalair.com/content.php?id=58200609014

Late-night revelers in The Big Easy lately have been seeing strange lights in the skies over the city’s historic French Quarter, and some of them may not just be attributable to a potent combination of bourbon and gumbo. Some New Orleanites think Angelina Jolie may be casting her adoption net a little further a-field for child number five.

“Lordy, it’s a space ship, bringing that Angelina Jolie a UFO,” said longtime resident Ella Bonaparte. “Unidentified Foreign Orphan, that’s what it be.

See the whole article at CAP News:

http://www.crystalair.com/content.php?id=82200706012

Sporting a stunning gray Versace suit combo and surrounded by men wearing guns, Laura Bush on Tuesday launched her “Help An Illiterate Find A Book!” initiative before a packed Scranton Public Library gathering.

It’s the First Lady’s first public initiative since her 2002 “My Pet Goat: So Good You Can’t Put It Down!” campaign.

“Pity the poor illiterate,” Mrs. Bush, a former librarian, told the gathered reporters, dignitaries and loyal Republican illiterates. “It’s one thing to not be able to read a book, but imagine not even being able to pick one out to try? No more,” Mrs. Bush said, gently pounding the podium.

See the whole article at CAP News:

http://www.crystalair.com/content.php?id=12200601003

Local officials were stymied: who peed “More Bere” [sic] into a snow bank shortly after President Bush addressed a crowd of loyal conservatives at the Buffalo National Guard Armory? The answer, it appears, goes right to the top.

“Yeah, I did it,” Bush said at a press conference today. “Sure, people will blame it on faulty intelligence or poor mannerisms, but I just had to go.”

See the whole article at CAP News:

http://www.crystalair.com/content.php?id=36200601066

Chanting “Don’t be a wimp, avoid the digital chimp,” members of the animal rights group PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) gathered outside theaters in several large U.S. cities this past weekend to urge a boycott of the movie King Kong.

“Peter Jackson is a monster!” yelled one demonstrator outside a Chicago theater on opening night. Identifying himself only as DogAngel 1, the protestor, drenched in fresh pig’s blood, hurled monkey pelts at theater-goers and screamed, “Computerized apes are people too! Computerized apes are people too!”

See the whole article at CAP News:

http://www.crystalair.com/content.php?id=86200601055

Typographical errors are to blame for the Southern Baptist Convention’s recent vote to outlaw “day marriages.”

“The printer messed up, but everyone who voted knew what they were voting on,” said SBC spokesman Cletus Jones. “No homo marriage: that’s what they were voting on.”

See the whole article at CAP News:

http://www.crystalair.com/content.php?id=01200601001

Israeli lawmakers today shocked the world by naming comedian Dave Chappelle to the post of interim Prime Minister. The move comes after a pair of strokes effectively ended current Prime Minister Ariel Sharon’s political career.

Menachem Gissin, a spokesman for the Prime Minister’s office, said Chappelle was the unanimous choice of lawmakers after he publicly admitted that he was interested in the position.

“Mr. Chappelle is one funny guy,” Gissin told CAP. “But it’s a biting funny, the kind of funny that says ‘Hey Palestine, don’t screw with us.’ Plus, he was available.”

See the whole article at CAP News:

http://www.crystalair.com/content.php?id=23200601020

Teen actress Lindsay Lohan’a publicist is scrambling to minimize damage in the wake of a Vanity Fair magazine interview in which the actress admits to doing drug addicts.

“They’re just always so edgy and malnourished,” Lohan told Vanity Fair. “I like the way we can just sit for hours and stare at a wall. I like the way they call me ‘ho’.”

See the whole article at CAP News:

http://www.crystalair.com/content.php?id=06200601054