The Finite Times

(FiniteTimes.com) – Stung by criticism from Mexican President Vicente Fox and members of Congress over his plans to send 6000 National Guard troops to the Mexican/US border, President Bush yesterday sought to define exactly how narrow their role would be.

“They’re just gonna be clearing brush so we can build that big honkin’ fence,” the president told a wildly-cheering hand-picked crowd outside a Home Depot gardening center in Yuma. It was the president’s second trip to Yuma in as many weeks. Continue Reading »

(FiniteTimes.com) – Further signs of a White House spiraling out of control were evident yesterday at a routine photo-op held at Bob’s Troop-Supportin’ Service Station in Rockville, MD. The topic was supposed to be the looming gasoline crisis, in particular the CAFÉ (corporate average fuel economy) standards that dictate vehicle gas mileage.

President Bush showed up in an apron. Continue Reading »

(FiniteTimes.com) – Willie Nelson is denying that he did anything illegal when his tour bus was pulled over in Lafayette, Louisiana on Monday and all its occupants were cited for drug possession.

On the contrary, he was undercover. Continue Reading »

(FiniteTimes.com) – Late-night revelers in The Big Easy lately have been seeing strange lights in the skies over the city’s historic French Quarter, and some of them may not just be attributable to a potent combination of bourbon and gumbo. Some New Orleanites think Angelina Jolie may be casting her adoption net a little further a-field for child number five.

“Lordy, it’s a space ship, bringing that Angelina Jolie a UFO,” said longtime resident Ella Bonaparte. “Unidentified Foreign Orphan, that’s what it be. Continue Reading »

(FiniteTimes.com) – Sporting a stunning gray Versace suit combo and surrounded by men wearing guns, Laura Bush on Tuesday launched her “Help an Illiterate Find a Book!” initiative before a packed Scranton Public Library gathering. It’s the First Lady’s first public initiative since her 2002 “My Pet Goat: So Good You Can’t Put It Down!” campaign.

“Pity the poor illiterate,” Mrs. Bush, a former librarian, told the gathered reporters, dignitaries and loyal Republican illiterates. “It’s one thing to not be able to read a book, but imagine not even being able to pick one out to try? No more,” Mrs. Bush said, gently pounding the podium. Continue Reading »

(FiniteTimes.com) – Chanting “Don’t be a wimp, avoid seeing the digital chimp,” members of the animal rights group PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) gathered outside theaters in several large U.S. cities this past weekend to urge a boycott of the movie King Kong.

“Peter Jackson is a monster!” yelled one demonstrator outside a Chicago theater on opening night. Identifying himself only as DogAngel 1, the protestor, drenched in fresh pig’s blood, hurled monkey pelts at theater-goers and screamed “Computerized apes are people too! Computerized apes are people too!” Continue Reading »

(FiniteTimes.com) – Typographical errors are to blame for the Southern Baptist Convention’s recent vote to outlaw “day marriage.”

“The printer messed up, but everyone who voted knew what they were voting on,” said SBC spokesman Cletus Jones. “No homo marriage, that’s what they were voting on.” Continue Reading »

(FiniteTimes.com) – Israeli lawmakers today shocked the world by naming comedian Dave Chappell to the post of interim Prime Minister. The move comes after a pair of stokes effectively ended current Prime Minister Ariel Sharon’s political career.

Menachem Gissin, a spokesman for the Prime Minister’s office, said Chappell was the unanimous choice of lawmakers after he publicly admitted that he was interested in the position. Continue Reading »

(FiniteTimes.com) – The following are some of the recent highlights from Judge Samuel Alito’s Supreme Court nomination hearing:

-Affirming that he “absolutely” believes that the right to privacy exists in the Constitution, Alito refused to answer any more questions. Continue Reading »

(FiniteTimes.com) – The past few months have not been kind to televangelist Pat Robertson. First he suggested that God smoke some Supreme Court justices. Then he called for the death of Venezuela’s President Hugo Chavez. His latest gaff was in saying that Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon’s stroke was God smiting him for his policies regarding Palestine.

Apparently God has had quite the fuck enough. Continue Reading »