The Finite Times

(FiniteTimes.com) – CBS executives have admitted that they are in talks with shock jock extraordinaire Osama bin Laden to cover some of the slots made available by David Lee Roth’s sudden departure from the airwaves last week.

“We are currently negotiating with his people,” said an anonymous CBS source. “Since he essentially pulled himself out of the Katie Couric/Today show race, he’s been fair game. Continue Reading »

Jesus Christ, An Interview

(FiniteTimes.com) – While the world was celebrating Easter, the day marking the resurrection of Christ, The Finite Times was busy securing an exclusive that will completely rewrite the past 2000 years of history. We recently sat down with a remarkably unresurrected Jesus Christ to see what he had to say.

FiniteTimes: So, no resurrection?

Jesus: Hell no. Some guy named Bob stole me from the cave they put me in. He was planning on selling my body to a scientist named Abdullah Frankensteinian. Imagine his surprise when I woke up. Continue Reading »

(FiniteTimes.com) – When Mike Huckabee’s squadron of Humvees topped a small desert rise last week while on routine patrol, they couldn’t believe what lay before them in the valley below: a handful of Iraqi insurgents, all on tippy-toes and spinning rapidly in the dying desert sun.

“After we killed ‘em all and high-fived, we could see that they even had them little tutu dresses on too,” said Huckabee. “We just figured they was practicing for the Baghdad Ballet, so we high-fived again. Me and the boys call that a two-fer.” Continue Reading »

(FiniteTimes.com) – When Stockbridge resident Ida Montgomery heard last week that an original Norman Rockwell painting had been discovered in the wall of deceased illustrator Donald Trachte’s former home, her first thought was “Donald who?”

Her second thought concerned the loose board in the wall of her outhouse. Continue Reading »

(FiniteTimes.com) – Quick to follow up on President Bush’s call earlier this week to “get help for our embattled schoolagers,” the White House has fired the first shot in what they are calling the War On The War On Our Schools.

“I’m here today to implore all would-be school shooters: don’t Swiss cheese our kids, come to work for us,” Army recruiter Rock Mullette told a packed Dayton auditorium on Wednesday. The crowd’s silence was not a condemnation of Recruiter Mullette’s message, but a testament to the constrictive nature of body armor. Continue Reading »

(FiniteTimes.com) – Days after Condoleezza Rice admitted that the administration had made thousands of errors in the Iraq war – and then tried to claim that she had been speaking figuratively – the White House is taking a new tact to try and diffuse the situation.

“I meant ‘Eeyores,’ not ‘errors,’” Ms. Rice told The Finite Times in a recent phone interview. “And by that I mean that there are a lot of brooding gusses out there who refuse to see anything positive about the war. We, on the other hand, remain upbeat. We are Tiggers… Boing! Boing! Boing!” Continue Reading »

(FiniteTimes.com) – Famed banal bird bagger of the surreal desert SouthWest Wile E. Coyote (Carnivorous Vulgaris) died last week in New York, according to his long-time agent Tim Springer.

“Everyone that knew Wile knows the past few years haven’t been particularly kind to him,” Springer said in a released statement. “He hasn’t worked in years, and even when he was working, he wasn’t eating that well. He just wanted to go to New York to try and change his life around.” Continue Reading »

(FiniteTimes.com) – The spinach/E. coli outbreak currently sweeping across the country took an unexpected twist yesterday when representatives of the State Department and FDA pointed fingers at an unlikely source: the Taliban.

“In an effort to cut down on poppy production in Afghanistan, we ‘convinced’ farmers to take up other crops,” FDA Assistant Secretary of Vegetables Hugh Lexor said at yesterday’s press conference. “One of those crops was indeed spinach. We are currently looking into the possibility that this Afghan spinach, manufactured under the name Qurapp Ai, is responsible for the recent E. coli situation.” Continue Reading »