Monthly ArchiveApril 2006
Entertainment admin on 24 Apr 2006
Osama To Replace Roth in Some Markets
CBS executives have admitted that they are in talks with shock jock extraordinaire Osama bin Laden to cover some of the slots made available by David Lee Roth’s sudden departure from the airwaves last week.
“We are currently negotiating with his people,” said an anonymous CBS source. “Since he essentially pulled himself out of the Katie Couric/Today show race, he’s been fair game.
See the whole article at CAP News:
Religion admin on 19 Apr 2006
Jesus Christ, An Interview
While the world was celebrating Easter, the day marking the resurrection of Christ, CAP News was busy securing an exclusive that will completely rewrite the past 2000 years of history. We recently sat down with a remarkably unresurrected Jesus Christ to see what he had to say.
See the whole article at CAP News:
Science & Technology admin on 12 Apr 2006
“Baghdad Ballerinas” To Blame For SE Storms
When Mike Huckabee’s squadron of Humvees topped a small desert rise last week while on routine patrol, they couldn’t believe what lay before them in the valley below: a handful of Iraqi insurgents, all on tippy-toes and spinning rapidly in the dying desert sun.
“After we killed ‘em all and high-fived, we could see that they even had them little tutu dresses on too,” said Huckabee. “We just figured they was practicing for the Baghdad Ballet, so we high-fived again. Me and the boys call that a two-fer.”
See the whole article at CAP News:
Living admin on 11 Apr 2006
Norman Rockwell, The Dark Side
When Stockbridge resident Ida Montgomery heard last week that an original Norman Rockwell painting had been discovered in the wall of deceased illustrator Donald Trachte’s former home, her first thought was “Donald who?”
Her second thought concerned the loose board in the wall of her outhouse.
“Oh, I keep it around out of nostalgia. Occasionally I’ll take a dump out there, or guests will. It’s like an amusement ride,” Ms. Montgomery told CAP News. After prattling on about the damn outhouse for another half-hour or so, Ms. Montgomery finally got in the general vicinity of a point.
See the whole article at CAP News:
Education & U.S. admin on 07 Apr 2006
Recruiters to School Shooters: Enlist!
Quick to follow up on President Bush’s call earlier this week to “get help for our embattled schoolagers,” the White House has fired the first shot in what they are calling the War On The War On Our Schools.
“I’m here today to implore all would-be school shooters: don’t Swiss cheese our kids, come to work for us,” Army recruiter Rock Mullette told a packed Dayton auditorium on Wednesday. The crowd’s silence was not a condemnation of Recruiter Mullette’s message, but a testament to the constrictive nature of body armor.
“These folks know how to use a gun, how to load it, how to kiss it and pretend it’s an avenging angel sent down to smite their enemies,” Recruiter Mullette told CAP News after the Dayton speech. “They’re good at planning a covert operation, and their standoff experience is excellent training for both the foxhole and anytime that communication skills will be required.
See the whole article at CAP News:
Politics admin on 04 Apr 2006
Rice: “Errors” Now “Eeyores”
Days after Condoleeza Rice admitted that the administration had made thousands of errors in the Iraq war - and then tried to claim that she had been speaking figuratively - the White House is taking a new tact to try and diffuse the situation.
“I meant ‘Eeyores’, not ‘errors’,” Rice told CAP News in a recent phone interview. “And by that I mean that there are a lot of brooding gusses out there who refuse to see anything positive about the war. We, on the other hand, remain upbeat. We are Tiggers - Boing! Boing! Boing!”
See the whole article at CAP News:
Entertainment admin on 03 Apr 2006
Wile E. Coyote Killed in Central Park
Famed banal bird bagger of the surreal desert SouthWest Wile E. Coyote (Carnivorous Vulgaris) died last week in New York, according to his long-time agent Tim Springer.
“Everyone that knew Wile knows the past few years haven’t been particularly kind to him,” Springer said in a released statement. “He hasn’t worked in years, and even when he was working, he wasn’t eating that well. He just wanted to go to New York to try and change his life around.”
According to a police report obtained by CAP News, it looked at first like Mr. Coyote was well on his way to doing so. The pigeon is a much slower bird than the road runner, and Central Park pigeons in particular have what can kindly be called a muted sense of self-preservation. During his first two weeks in the Big Apple, Wile E. Coyote dined well.
See the whole article at CAP News:
Health & U.S. admin on 03 Apr 2006
Taliban Spinach-Spikers Prompt White House Food Wall Call
The spinach-E. coli outbreak currently sweeping across the country took an unexpected twist yesterday when representatives of the State Department and FDA pointed fingers at an unlikely source: the Taliban.
“In an effort to cut down on poppy production in Afghanistan, we convinced farmers to take up other crops,” FDA Assistant Secretary of Vegetables Hugh Lexor said at yesterday’s press conference. “One of those crops was indeed spinach. We are currently looking into the possibility that this Afghan spinach, manufactured under the name Qurapp Ai, is responsible for the recent E. coli situation.”
See the whole article at CAP News:
