The Finite Times

(FiniteTimes.com) – Citing safety concerns, NASCAR officials have announced that they will be dropping their “endlessly go around in a circle on a track” model for an “endlessly go around in a circle in a hamster wheel” one.

“Essentially we’ll set up several dozen large “Dragster Wheels” along the surface of existing race tracks,” NASCAR spokesman Billy Bob Barnes told The Finite Times. “Each car will be assigned to and set in a specific wheel, and the first one to reach the set number of rotations wins the race.” Continue Reading »

(FiniteTimes.com) – In the wake of the 10th Alabama church fire, the Godswad Bible Company has announced that they are recalling some 14,000 of their signature “Read This or Burn in Hell!” specialty bibles.

“One of our shipping clerks first noticed that we supplied bibles to all the burnt churches,” said Godswad president Octavian Smith. “After researching the matter further, we can confirm that they do spontaneously burst into flames on occasion.” Continue Reading »

(FiniteTimes.com) – Out of tragedy, tickets.

Bubbles were still rising from the Friday wreck of the Egyptian ferry Boccaccio 98 when rumors started swirling that Mel Gibson was looking to lock down the rights to the tragedy. Allegedly Gibson is seeking to film an operatic allegory of the Bible’s Exodus chapter, complete with ancient dialogue and more modern Titanic overtones.

The rumor was enough for Leonardo DiCaprio. Continue Reading »

(FiniteTimes.com) – IBM, one of the most recognizable acronyms in the world, announced today that it was looking into the possibility of selling one of its letters. The official announcement did not specify which one might be on the block, but several companies were scrambling to take advantage of this development.

Abercrombie & Fitch was one of the first companies to make an offer. The upscale clothing store chain has long sought to get more ghetto in an effort to appeal to affluent white teens, and by purchasing the “B”, Abercrombie & Bitch might just meet its goals. This would of course allow them to sell their “F”, which the Electronic Arts Corporation is pursuing. This in turn would put an “S” on the market, which both Psi Energy Inc. and EXX Incorporated are vying for. Continue Reading »

(FiniteTimes.com) – Nationally know gay lifestyle magazine StudBunnies has awarded its highest honor – Pretty Boy of the Year – to an unlikely person: Republican Senator Rick Santorum of Pennsylvania.

At a press conference held at the StudBunnies Ranch just outside of San Francisco, magazine co-founders Mo Lawrence and Lance Delgado explained their controversial choice. Continue Reading »

(FiniteTimes.com) – As he does every year on February 2, Punxsutawney Phil emerged from his Pennsylvania burrow and sought his shadow. This year, he saw it, meaning six more years of winter. Then he saw the multiple shadows of law enforcement personnel, meaning indefinite detention at Guantanamo Bay in Cuba.

The post-ceremonial arrest of Punxsutawney Phil capped off a three month investigation by federal agents from the FBI and US Marshals that also nabbed such second tier groundhogs as Springfield Sam, Bangor Bob and Cincinnati Sue. All are being held for engaging in terrorist activities under the Patriot Act. Continue Reading »

(FiniteTimes.com) – The sputtering drone of a single-engine Cessna interrupts the stillness of a rice paddy just outside of Hanoi, Vietnam. Working peasants look up briefly to watch it slip along the horizon, stalling out and then dipping towards the ground before roaring to life and climbing back up from sure annihilation.

“Drunk Hai Quan steal the crop duster again,” says one elderly Vietnamese man as he shakes his head. Continue Reading »

(FiniteTimes.com) – Anti-war activist Cindy Sheehan was arrested early yesterday after trying to unfurl a very small banner in the bathroom of the White House living quarters. She was detained briefly by the Secret Service before being turned over to the CIA for an all-expenses-paid trip to Saudi Arabia.

The banner read “2,245 Dead. How many more?”, a reference to the current number of US soldiers who have died in the Iraqi conflict. The slogan was similar to the one she wore on a t-shirt that got her arrested at the president’s State of the Union address. Earlier reports on that incident by several news organizations (The Finite Times not being one of them) stated that she had unfurled a banner, which may have given her the idea. Continue Reading »

(FiniteTimes.com) – The tragic death this past weekend of “Crocodile Hunter” Steve Irwin has temporarily halted shooting of the third installment of the iconic Jackass movie franchise.

“Everyone here on the set is just crushed at Steve’s death. This is the first jackass we’ve ever lost,” said Jackass’ Johnny Knoxville and Bam Margera in a prepared statement. “He was the heart and soul of Jackass III, which is still scheduled to hit theaters in November, 2008. Our prayers are with Steve’s family during this difficult time.” Continue Reading »