Finite Times

An already disastrous ad campaign by fast food giant McDonald’s restaurant chain got worse yesterday when competitor Burger King filed suit in New York District Court for infringement of marketing space.

In a 12-page complaint filed with the court, Burger King charges that McDonald’s “…infringed upon the plaintiff’s rights to secure primary and exclusive placement of its products with a major media property.”

“My client owns the Star Trek franchise in terms of fast food product tie-ins, in both this movie and in two future, to-be-released titles,” said lead attorney Joshua Abrams outside the courthouse. “They signed a contract, paid a lot of money, and they’ll be damned if some burger-slinging clown is going to piss all over that, pardon my jurisprudence.”

Read the whole sordid mess at Crystal Air:

http://www.crystalair.com/content.php?id=91200905012

The present administration announced today that it is preparing to release another round of potentially embarrassing torture memos, perhaps as early as next week. These new memos claim to show the extent to which the Bush administration was willing to go to garner acceptance for its “enhanced interrogation techniques,” both in the present and the future.

“They say that history is written by the victor? Well, in this case, the attempt was to see the future written by Doctor Seuss,” says Charles Seymour, head of the independent Children’s Literature Anti-Political Initiative (CLAPI). “This was a shameful attempt to pervert an entire generation into accepting torture and inoculating it to believe torture is okay.”

See the whole article at CAP New:

http://www.crystalair.com/content.php?id=69200905001

From rusty pickups to cherry Harleys to hulking Hummers, Earl’s Gun-Porium in Peachville, Georgia has seen a wide range of vehicles parked outside its camouflaged doors, but owner Earl LaMotte is still surprised by what’s been showing up in his parking spaces of late.

Volvos.

“Used to be my doors would swing open and in would come a good old boy in a wife-beater or flannel shirt,” Earl says. “Now it’s more often than not a doctor or lawyer in a fruity sweater with Chinos or tennis shorts, polluting the place up with their Sex In The City ring tones.”

Earl shrugs. “Long as their money’s green, what do I care?”

Read the whole article at CAP News:

http://www.crystalair.com/content.php?id=12200904014

A Spanish special prosecutor known for legally reaching beyond his country’s borders has announced that he is considering an investigation into the United States’ new Attorney General Eric Holder.

But unlike past Spanish cases involving torture and other human rights violations, this investigation will center around something different: moose burgers.

“AG Holder wins an Alaskan sweepstakes, and two weeks later Mr. Stevens gets off? Amigo, that’s some cojones felleas there,” Spanish Magistrate Baltasar Garzon said Wednesday. “Does it reach the level of having your nipples clamped to a car battery? No, but the law is the law.”

Read the whole article at CAP News:

http://www.crystalair.com/content.php?id=27200904003

It’s a rite of passage for past presidents to pen their memoirs shortly after leaving office, to put a spin on their accomplishments and try to give subtext to their years at the helm. In announcing this week that he has signed on to write his own version of events as he saw them unfold over the past few years, George W. Bush is no different. What is different is the format.

“Former President Bush had to deal with many things that just sort of leapt out at him during his two terms in office, and he thought what better way to illustrate this than by making his memoirs a pop-up book,” said Bush part-time spokesman Peter Eliot.

“Like no other presidential memoir before, history will literally jump out at you,” noted Eliot.

See the whole article at CAP News:

http://www.crystalair.com/content.php?id=69200903011

A coalition of Christian ministries has announced that they intend to move ahead with plans to request federal bailout money to prop up their financially-beleaguered churches. The request - rumored to be in the range of $450 billion - is expected to come as early as next week.

“The various churches that we represent have been hard-hit, Lord knows,” says Dr. Luther Cole, spokesman for The Lord’s Lobby, a religious lobbying group that is spearheading the bailout effort. “Catholic priests paying the little boys off. Fundie churches finding that people are getting real tight with their cash now that the End Times are nigh. Rick Warren just turning people right the hell off.

“Hallelujah!” Cole added. “Can I get an amen and a big fucking check?”

See the whole article at CAP News:

http://www.crystalair.com/content.php?id=13200903009

It received very little attention when it was revealed as part of President Obama’s 2010 initial budget last week, but a lesser-known provision in the budgetary outline could drastically affect the way Americans deal with money, time and a wide array of other number-critical areas.

“The use of lower-case numbers will have an immediate and substantial affect, pretty much across the board,” said Juan Williams, president-select Undersecretary to the Commerce Department. “This is yet another tool to combat the current economic crisis. We have little letters, why not little numbers?”

See the whole article at CAP News:

http://www.crystalair.com/content.php?id=56200903001

In a surprise move, a group representing insurance agencies and the insurance industry has announced that it will be launching an effort later this month to legalize marijuana. The Directorate of Insurance Executives says that the time has come for a more measured federal approach to marijuana regulations.

“Our jails are filled with young men and women whose only crime has been the wrapping up and smoking of what for millennia was a simple ditch weed,” says Emmanuel Smith, head of the New York-based group. “Our studies have shown that short and intermediate term use of marijuana is not harmful, and our drug laws should reflect that fact.”

See the whole article at CAP News:

http://www.crystalair.com/content.php?id=91200902008

Toy-making giant Habro announced today that it was filing a lawsuit in federal court to force George Bush and members of his former administration to stop using its “trademarks, logos, and other intellectual properties” immediately.

“Not to be cute about it, but we do have a monopoly on Monopoly,” said lead attorney Greg D’Angelo. “The former administration is engaging in a blatant abuse of copyright, and we just want them to stop.”

See the whole article at CAP News:

http://www.crystalair.com/content.php?id=75200901016

Upping the ante in her bid to replace Hillary Clinton as New York’s junior senator, Carolyn Kennedy has announced that she is considering donating one of her own eyes to New York Gov. David Paterson. Paterson, at least for the time being, is legally blind.

“Caroline has always had a very ask not what your governor can do for you, ask what you can do for your governor thing going on, and NOT bogarting an eye is a total fit for her,” said a long-time aide to Kennedy. “She was planning on giving him an eye even before the Senate seat opened up.”

See the whole article at CAP News:

http://www.crystalair.com/content.php?id=99200901008